The Education of Rachel Berry
by ophelia22
Summary: Puck has decided that Rachel Berry needs some lessons. No, not THOSE kind of lessons. P/R with general hints of R/F Rated T for language
1. Finn

_*I started a new story (obviously)! I'm a little nervous about it, but my goal is to try and have it wrapped up before the second half of the season starts. Please, please let me know what you think! Your reviews and comments and critiques are BEYOND great._

_Chapter One: Finn_

Noah Puckerman doesn't remember the first time he saw Rachel Berry. He doesn't even remember the second time he saw her. She's just always kind of _been there_ (kind of like the mildew in his shower). Some days more noticeable than others, but _always_ there.

Puck also doesn't remember the first time he threw a slushee on her. If he had to guess, he would say it was probably sometime in 8th grade -- but really, who the hell knows. It isn't like drenching her was some big, personal vendetta (kick ass word, by the way -- one Finn has yet to use correctly in a sentence) against her. The slushee-ing of freaks and nerds has been the official ritual of McKinley Junior and Senior Highs for years.

And Rachel? Was _always _a freak.

He's glad, though, that she doesn't seem to hold the weekly 7-11 baths against him. That would seriously suck balls. Rachel is a crazy face, there's no question, but Puck's starting to notice that she's also a really nice person. Like, _weirdly nice_. (Well, as long as you don't threaten her career....then she'll cut a bitch.) She seems to have this obsessive need to be liked....and really, he doesn't get why someone as smart as her doesn't see how retarded that is.

And this is why Noah Puckerman has a plan. He may not have any recollection of Rachel before sophomore year (beyond her being the brunette with the loud voice and the hot legs that was usually covered in an icy yet delicious beverage), but for some unknown reason she seems to have invaded every corner of his life this year. And he'd kick himself in the nuts before telling anyone, but the crazy little bitch has sort of grown on him. Sure, she dumped him last fall (man, was he sad to see those little make out sessions on his lap go....), but ever since babygate fucking blew up in his face, she's actually been pretty awesome.

And now? Now they're kind of friends. (Weird as hell -- but also kind of cool).

Which brings us back to his plan. His fucking _brilliant _plan. Noah Puckerman has decided that Rachel Berry has _got_ to learn to not give a flying fuck what other people think (or at the very least learn to PRETEND like she doesn't give a flying fuck what other people think). And who better to teach her that than him?

Seriously, people. Puck could (and should) charge for this shit.

******

"Noah, I really don't understand the point of this exercise."

Rachel is scowling at him in a way that he just _knows_ she thinks is scary, but is really more cute than anything.

"Berry. You have got to focus. What did I tell you when we started this?"

She lets out a huff of air before crossing her arms. Her voice drops as deep as it will go, "Trust me, Rach. If you wanna rule this school sometime before you're 40, you gotta toughen up."

Puck grins at her. She may have been rolling her eyes the whole time, but she just quoted him word for word (well, she left out a _fuck _or two, but baby steps, people....baby steps). _Clearly_ she was listening. He raises both eyebrows at her, "So??? Are you gonna listen to the wisdom of the Puckerone or not?"

Rachel grimaces. "I don't know what is worse -- that you willingly gave yourself that _ridiculous_ nickname or that you insist on referring to yourself in the third person."

Grabbing her rollerbag from her, Puck turns Rachel until her back is to him and she's gazing down the hall. "Berry, the only _third person_ you need to worry about is the one standing at his locker." He gives her a nudge. "Go. Find your fucking backbone, Rach."

The insecure little look she tosses at him over her shoulder makes him frown, but Rachel is soon walking with determined steps down the hall.

Puck tries not to grin. This shit should be good.

(Then he looks down and realizes he's in the main hall of the school holding Rachel Berry's rollerbag like some kind of fucking man servant. _Fuck)_

**********

Finn's had a crappy day. First he totally overslept. Then there was a pop quiz in English this morning that he _totally_ blew. (Who has time to read _Heart of Darkness_ when your cable company accidentally gives your house access to the Playboy Channel over the weekend?) To make matters worse, he almost ran into Quinn after third period. He had to dive into the girl's bathroom so she wouldn't see him, but then he got screamed at by a bunch of hysterical freshman who seemed to think he was trying to eavesdrop on their discussion about cycles. (He's still trying to figure out why the hell they think he gives a crap about their bikes. Girls are just totally beyond him sometimes.)

Standing at his locker, Finn's staring at his books trying to figure out what he needs to take home with him. He's just about to decide to say _screw it_ and leave all his books there for the night when he feels a tug on his elbow. Jumping slightly, he looks down (then down some more) and sees Rachel looking up at him with a determined expression that he quickly recognizes. And that's when Finn's day gets a _whole_ lot worse.

He was supposed to give Rachel a ride this morning.

To school.

In his car.

And he forgot.

_Shit_.

*********

Rachel takes a deep breath as she approaches Finn at his locker. She knows that Noah is right. She needs to apply some of her stage confidence to her personal life.

(Though he was also quick to add-- _But not in that crazy ass psycho way that you've been trying to pull off all year_. She's still trying to figure out what that means, exactly.)

She was so excited this morning. Finn promised her last Friday that he could give her a ride to school today. Her car is having routine maintenance done (Monday being the optimum day to take a car into the dealership for service), and it seemed like the perfect opportunity to give Finn a chance to be chivalrous and spend time together.

The problem is that things between them still haven't changed much since he broke up with Quinn. He's extremely flirty, but let's face it, he was just as flirty when he was _with_ Quinn. He still tells Rachel how much he likes her and how cool he thinks she is-but beyond that, not much is really happening. They aren't really progressing. And she knows he has a million and one things on his plate right now, and Rachel really doesn't want to pressure him.

Except that, well, she kind of _does_ want to pressure him.

So she asked him last week for a ride this morning. She even asked 3 days early so he could write it in his calendar and be prepared. And then she got up early, ironed all her clothes for a second time, and spent an hour and a half making sure she looked pretty without looking like she'd _tried_ to look pretty. (And she _absolutely_ kept the makeup to a minimum.)

But then Rachel spent another hour waiting by the front door for him to show. She even called his cell. But there was just.... nothing. By the time she realized she needed to call someone else, there was no one to call. Everyone was at school or at work (and let's face it -- there weren't that many people on her list in the first place). Finally, she accepted that he wasn't coming and took the matter in hand by calling a cab. (She wasn't sure Lima actually had cabs until she googled it.)

And now, watching Finn as he gives her a panicked look, Rachel sees that he is just _now_ realizing (8 hours later) what he forgot this morning (or more correctly, _who_ he forgot this morning). She feels a flash of indignation and hurt -- the same one she always feels when Finn does something to make her feel totally forgettable. The same one that always goes away as soon as he melts her with _that _smile_. _But now ... now that won't happen. She's almost sure.

Cause this time? Rachel Berry is learning to be a badass. And telling off Finn and _actually sticking to her guns_? That's her first lesson.

*******

Puck watches as Rachel's hands go to her hips as she starts to lay into Hudson. Some people might think it is kind of shitty of him to sick Rachel on his former best friend (the one that _still_ won't return his calls)-- but Puck thinks those people are fucking stupid.

Finn Hudson has been stomping all over Berry's heart for months. Puck has watched it happen (and honestly found it mildly entertaining) for most of the year. But now? Now he's getting kind of fucking sick of it. (Actually, he's a little confused about just _how_ _much_ it seems to be pissing him off lately. But whatever.)

He was on his morning _this class is fucking stupid_ break in the parking lot when he saw her getting out of cab during second period. Not dumb enough to interrupt her frantic run through the front doors (she _had _to be in a panic because she didn't even stop to yell at him for "loitering"), Puck just laughed and decided he'd have to make a special effort at lunch to get the story out of her. Whatever got Berry in that much of a tizzy first thing in the morning was something he needed to hear about.

Only when he heard about it, he kind of didn't laugh. He's not sure why. Trust Finn to forget something like that. And Puck is sure he just forgot. Finn would never purposely leave a girl just hanging. If Rachel had asked Puck to pick her up (and not that he cares, but she totally fucking _didn't_), he probably would have shown up late (if at all) just to see her take the very same panicked run through the parking lot.

But Finn wasn't messing with her. He just forgot she existed.

Puck's not stupid in the ways of women. He knows which one is worse. _Way _fucking worse.

*******

"I am _so, so sorry_, Rach. I had the _worst_ morning and I just....."

Finn's voice trails off as Rachel continues to just look up at him, arms crossed and face frowning. (He _hates _it when Rachel frowns at him.) This isn't working. He sighs.

"I'm a jerk. I swear it won't ever happen again."

Rachel raises both eyebrows and her voice is very even when it comes out (she's in professional mode, he can tell).

"Of course it won't, Finn. I will not be giving you the future opportunity that would allow for this to happen again."

"Rach! I swear..."

She quickly puts a finger up to stop him.

"I'm not through, Finn! Do you understand the consequences of your actions this morning? I missed a quiz in history! Do you know what that might do to my GPA? And thus my college plans? And thus _my career_?"

Finn's brow scrunches as he tries to follow her logic. No one can make his brain hurt like Rachel.

"No.... no I don't think you understand, Finn!" (He can't help but notice that her voice is starting to get a little less professional and a lot more teenage girl.) "I _trusted _you! And you _look_ all trustworthy with your big brown eyes and your broad shoulders and your sweet smile." (Finn tries not to grin. She thinks he has broad shoulders?) "But no. I think we all know looks can be misleading. I had to run...... _RUN_ across in the parking lot this morning. I didn't even have time to tell Noah to stop loitering on the hood of his truck and get to class! All because you couldn't be bothered to write yourself a note and pick me up this morning!" She stomps a foot. "Every time I trust you, I end up looking like an absolute _idiot_! Don't you see that?"

Finn knows he can be slow sometimes, but he's suddenly suspecting this isn't completely about the forgotten ride this morning.

*******

Rachel tells herself to breathe. She's not supposed to be getting _this_ upset at him.

_Cool, calm, and collected. Stand up for yourself but don't let him know you give a shit. You are a badass. Act like one._

Noah's dictates are a touch hard to follow. (Seriously -- how do you simultaneously stand up for yourself and look like you don't care? Particularly when you have a tendency to care too much about _everything_?)

Taking a deep, cleansing breath, she closes her eyes for just a second before opening them again and looking up at Finn's apologetic face.

"You are a good guy, Finn."

His shoulders slump in unmistakeable relief. But she's not done.

"And honestly -- you are one of the only friends that I have -- so I've tried to be the friend that you need. But right now? You aren't being the friend that _I _need."

Finn reaches for her shoulder, "Rach. I am _so_ sorry. You can count on me. You _can_. No one in this school means as much to me. No one has been there for me like you have."

_Cool, calm, and collected......cool, calm, and collected.....cool, calm, and coll....._

"Don't say things like that! It only makes it _worse_!" (She's shrieking. She knows she's shrieking.) "You can't flirt with me and tell me how much I mean to you and then _completely forget I exist_!"

Finn looks at the floor like it is the most interesting thing he's ever seen. She hears him mutter a curse word under his breath before sending a vicious kick to the locker next to him. He finally just looks up at her with the most earnest expression he possesses (the one she's seen many, many times -- the one she loves most).

"I'm sorry, Rachel. I really, really am."

She knows he's apologizing for more than this morning.

"I accept your apology, Finn." Rachel takes a deep breath, "But things have to change. I have to move on. I have to adjust my expectations of the relationship that we are going to have. And so do you."

He doesn't respond, just stares at her with a sad expression in his big, brown (still entirely trustworthy looking) eyes.

"Good bye, Finn."

******

Rachel looks _so sad_ as she turns and walks back down the hall to him. Puck is half afraid that Finn is going to follow her and see him holding Berry's rollerbag like some kind of waiting in the wings douche. (That is _so_ not what this is. _It isn't_.) Thankfully, Finn slams his locker shut and walks out the side door by his locker. He never looks up.

When she gets to him, Puck quickly shoves her bag towards her. "So? How do you feel?"

Rachel takes a deep breath and grips the handle of her bag tightly, "Sad. But....but also...." She looks up at him with a growing grin, "...._good. _I feel, well, I guess I feel like I accomplished something productive today. Something that will help me in my...."

"Berry. Shut it." Puck puts a gentle hand over her mouth while rolling his eyes. "Do you or do you not feel like a _badass motherfucker_ right now?"

Shoving his hand away from her, Rachel gives him one of her rare _real_ grins. "You know what? I kind of do!"

Puck winks at her. "That's what I thought. Kind of the shit, isn't it?"

Rachel giggles and Puck is forced to ignore a stupid ass warm sensation in the middle of his chest somewhere. (Is seventeen too young for heartburn?) He puts a hand on her shoulder and bends down until his face is level with hers.

"So then -- Who's next?"


	2. Jacob

_Wow! You guys left such great comments. Thank you!!! One of the first reviews mentioned Jacob, so that was how I decided he was next. I'm a little afraid of just how many people you guys all seem to be wanting Rachel to confront! Hopefully there is time to get to them all! _

_Please let me know what you think. The good, the bad, the whatever. I am a ridiculous review whore._

**_Chapter Two: Jacob_**

Confession time. Puck has always thought that Jacob Bin Israel was pretty fucking funny. _Creepy as hell_, but hilarious. The first time he noticed him was when the little weirdo joined the Celibacy Club. How could Puck not? With the hair, the glasses, and that face? He was like the anti-Puck.

(Puck likes to think that if he's the equivalent of catnip to women, then Jacob has to be the equivalent of dog vomit. Or maybe an STD?)

He didn't really notice Jacob's fascination with Rachel in the beginning. It wasn't until Finn mentioned the the spaz one day at lunch that Puck started to halfway pay attention to him. The stalking and drooling and generally messed up shit that he posted on the internet? All of it was funny as fuck. Or at least it was until last week when he found Rachel crying in the choir room. Turns out? Giving up her underwear was one thing (yup, Finn told him that story) but when Jacob decided to post a _scathing review_ (Rachel's words_) _of her performance at their holiday concert, that was the point of no return. He was _messing with her professional reputation_.

(Puck thinks maybe that's just Berry-code for _he embarrassed her.) _

Hearing that story lead to her confessing about a few others incidents that Puck _didn't _know about. Stories about blackmail and plays and bras. Apparently this wasn't the first time Jacob has made Rachel cry. Puck didn't know _that, _either.

And the whole thing kind of made him wonder how many times _he_ made her cry, which makes him feel shitty....and _that_ totally pisses him off. So when Rachel tells him the next name on her list, Puck is _more_ than happy to assist.

(And if that little douche thinks he's _ever _going to see Berry's lace-covered boobs when she didn't even let Puck get a _hand _on them, asshole's got another thing coming.)

*******

"Noah, this _isn't going to work_."

Puck sits back in his chair and rolls his eyes, "Of course it is. I know what I'm talking about. Trust me, babe."

Rachel just gives him a patronizing smile. "Of course....except for one small thing..." She stands up and plants her hands on her hips, "_You don't know what you are talking about!_"

When he opens his mouth to argue with her, she leans down and shoves a finger over his lips, "Shhhhh! You need to listen to me."

(Did she just fucking shush him?)

"You, Noah, do not understand _anything_ about being sexually harassed."

(Did Rachel Berry really just fucking _shush _him?)

"I'm afraid that you can really only understand the perspective of the sexual _harasser_, and that just doesn't...."

(Did Rachel _Fucking_ Berry really just....)

"Wait, what?" The front legs of the chair Puck had been sitting in (and tipping backwards) slap back onto the choir room floor. "Did you just say that I don't understand being sexually harassed?" He shakes his head in bafflement. "Have you _seen _my guns? Do you _know _how many cat fights have been fought over my fine ass?" Puck stands up in order to better glare down at her. "I will have you know that no one in this fucking school knows more about sexual harassment than me. And you know what? I'm a fucking multi-tasker. I can give it AND take it, baby."

Blinking up at him, Rachel does an impressive impersonation of a confused owl. Finally, she opens her mouth to respond, but nothing comes out. Puck smirks at her. (He finally struck Rachel Berry mute. It's a fucking miracle.) He basks in his moment of glory for 10 whole seconds before Rachel shoulders start to shake. And then? There's no other way to put it.

Rachel snorts.

******

She collapses onto the piano bench, snorting and giggling and trying not to let the tears in her eyes leak out and ruin her makeup. She knows if she tells Noah how cute he looks when he's indignant, he'll either get insulted or think she's coming on to him (and she's not sure which is worse).

"I'm serious, Berry."

She wipes a stray tear off her cheek and tries to keep a straight face. "I know you are, Noah."

He scowls at her, "No, you fucking don't know it. _Clearly_._" _Turning back around, he goes back to his chair muttering. She can only make out a few words "_obviously doesn't understand....fucking sexy BEAST......blind as a bat...."_

Rachel bites her lip and looks away. He's sulking and she _shouldn't_ think it's adorable. She really, really shouldn't. The room is silent for a couple of minutes before Rachel finally clears her throat and risks a glance at him. He once again has the chair tilting on the back two legs, so she figures his pride has at least slightly recovered.

"Noah?"

He doesn't answer her, but he slides a sarcastic look over her way, so she assumes he is listening.

"I really don't think that me pulling down Jacob's pants in the lunchroom is going to solve anything."

Puck sighs, "Pantsing, Rachel. It is called _pantsing_."

"Well, whatever it is called -- I don't think any scenario that involves me touching Jacob below the waist is a good idea."

Puck's chair whacks back down to the floor again. "Well _shit."_

Somehow, Rachel thinks she just won the argument.

******

Jacob knows that there aren't many people who understand his all consuming passion for Rachel Berry. But what _he_ doesn't understand is why it seems to be taking so long to woo her. He's been faithfully sending her emails and texts for nearly two years now. He's the number one commenter on her My Space page (hacking into her account to look at her user information and website traffic was child's play). He tries to let her know everyday how sexy he finds her to be, and Jacob is almost positive that she doesn't know about his _early release_ problem.

So what's the issue? He's smart. He's powerful. He controls her online reputation. What more does this girl want?

The negative review he gave her performance at the Christmas concert was his version of tough love, but more importantly, phase one of his new plan. He's been studying the evidence and when you really look at Rachel's dating life, it is clear that she is drawn to men who treat her like crap.

Exhibit A: Finn -- the freakishly tall neanderthal has been jerking her around all year.

Exhibit B: Mr. Schuester -- he's constantly giving her solos away to other girls

Exhibit C: Noah Puckerman -- He's well ... he's _Noah Puckerman_

The facts seem to be clear. If he's going to claim the heart (and body) of the girl who has captured the attention of both the brain in his head and the brain in his pants, Jacob is going to have to play rough.

(The thought that _singing _is the other thing those three all have in common has occurred to him....but Jacob _can't_ sing. So that _clearly_ can't be the answer).

******

"What if you shaved his head?"

Rachel takes a bite of her salad as she frowns at Puck and shakes her head.

He nods. "You're right. Still too much touching involved. He'd probably cream his pants the first time you touched his hair."

Spitting out some some of the water she'd just sipped, Rachel starts to cough. Puck reaches over and smacks her on the back a time or two. "Easy, killer. Don't hack up a lung." (Is it wrong that he takes the time to feel the lines of her bra at the same time? If it is, Puck doesn't want to be right.)

She shoves his arm away. "Why must you always use such disgusting language, Noah? Sometimes the imagery you invoke is downright nauseating."

Puck shoves a Twinkie in his mouth before replying. "Mmmfphg whot mmm alking." He smiles at her and a few bits of yellow cake fall down the front of his shirt.

Rachel crosses her legs primly and adjusts her skirt and generally looks at anything in the room but him. "You are _such_ a child sometimes."

He sends a friendly kick to the leg of the chair she's sitting in. (What? Kicks can _totally_ be friendly. Just ask his little sister.) "Berry, we're running low on time. There's only like 20 minutes of lunch left and then you have to get to some stupid class and I have to go start on my afternoon nap."

Slowly putting her lunch trash back into her (_recycled_!) bag, Rachel frowns again. "I _know_. But Jacob isn't like Finn. I've stood up to him a million times. I've told him to back off, I've threatened him with law suits, I've even given him the silent treatment for weeks on end. Nothing works!"

The look of desperation she gives him sends a feeling of protectiveness through Puck that he doesn't like _at all_. Because this whole thing is so fucking ironic (or whatever). Noah Puckerman doesn't _protect_ anyone -- let alone Rachel Berry. Up until a couple of months ago, he was the asshole she needed protection from. Why the _hell_ is she trusting him now? He really doesn't get it.

"Fuck, Berry. There's got to be some way to get to the little prick. No one is unstoppable."

She mutters a reply that is too soft for him to hear. His first impulse it to ignore it, but she immediately blushes, so no way is he letting that shit pass him by. He needles her about it until she finally bursts out with. "I said that _you_ were!"

His gut twists but Puck's brain wants to pretend like he doesn't understand. "What the fuck does that mean?"

Rachel shrugs and tucks a strand of hair behind her ear. "I just meant that nothing I did got you to step, either." Her head cocks to the side as a thought occurs to her. "Wait. That's not entirely true. There _was_ one thing that stopped you." She blushes again. "But I am _not_ doing that. Plus, well, in this case it would probably be counterproductive."

Puck's still pissed (and uncomfortable) about the direction this shit has gone, so his voice comes out abrupt.

"What?"

Rachel grins slightly. "Well, _you_ stopped once I made out with you."

He rolls his eyes and refuses to admit to her that she has a point -- though her words have started him thinking. What was the one thing Berry could have done to stop him? To really and truly make him leave her the fuck alone? (Other than, you know, the one thing she _did_ do....) Sudden inspiration strikes. Jumping out of his chair, his gives Rachel an evil grin.

"Holy Fuck, Batman! I've got it!"

********

Jacob walks up his driveway mentally planning out his evening. After dinner, he needs to send Rachel an email telling her that he hopes her day was _horrible_ and that she is either a _stupid bitch_ or a _crazy faced psycho_ (he's still trying to decide which one sounds more Puckish). Then, he needs to watch her nightly My Space video update before leaving some sort of comment that clearly suggests that he can't be bothered to comment as he forgot she even _has_ a My Space page (Finn) and that he hopes the Glee club is smart enough to give the next solo to that black, scary chick (Mr. Schuester).

How can this _not_ work? Jacob doesn't know what he never thought of this course of action before.

Stumbling through the back door into the kitchen (stupid step....how many times has he asked his mother to do something about that excessively tall door frame?), Jacob is confused when he doesn't smell anything. It is fifteen after five. By now mother should have his Tuesday night Schnitzel almost done. But as he enters the room and looks around, there's not only no food -- his mother is nowhere to be found. Frowning, Jacob lays his backpack down in his cubby hole and walks towards the front of the house.

"Mother? Mother, where's dinner? I have a very strict schedule I'm trying to keep tonight. And I don't think you...."

His voice stops short as he walks into the formal living area and is confronted with the start of either a very good dream or a very _bad _one.

Rachel Berry is sitting on the sofa with his mother. And his mother? Is frowning.

Bad dream. Definitely a _bad_ dream.

*******

Smiling brightly as the pale (and growing paler) bane of her existence enters the room, Rachel prepares herself for battle.

"Hello, Jacob."

He looks from her to his mother and then back to her. Gripping the front pleats of his khakis, he seems afraid to speak.

Mrs. Bin Israel's frown grows deeper. "Say hello, Jacob. Don't be rude to our guest."

He blinks at her from behind his glasses, "Hello, Ra....Ra....Rachel."

(Rachel smugly notes that he has not yet asked her to check for record temperatures due to the heat wave in his pants. Point? Berry.)

"Jacob, sit." Mrs. Bin Israel's voice leaves no room for questions, and indeed Jacob quickly sits in the chair across the coffee table. "Rachel has been telling me some very disturbing things. Things I would have never believed about _your_ behavior."

Rachel's face becomes the very picture of concerned distress, "Oh, no. I didn't mean to upset anyone. And I _certainly_ didn't mean to cause problems." She toys with her small, gold Star of David necklace, "It's just -- with no mother of my own, I felt like maybe I needed to talk to _several _of the Jewish mothers here in town about the situation." (Jacob's mother flinches) "You know, get advice about the best way to handle things in the _proper_ way." She sends a beautifully sincere smile across the couch, "And I just thought what better place to start than with Jacob's mother? After all, who knows you better than your mother?" (Rachel hopes the little sniff she gave at the end of that sentence didn't push things over the top.)

But if the death glare that Mrs. Bin Israel is sending Jacob is any indication, Rachel thinks she may have just hit pay dirt.

Noah Puckerman might just be a genius. Who knew?

********

Puck's dying of curiosity, so a little bit after nine that night, he caves and calls the number Rachel programmed into his phone last month.

"Good evening, Noah."

" 'Sup, Berry?"

"I don't know, Noah. You are the one that called me."

(Fuck. She's gonna make him beg for it. He can tell.)

"Don't be a tease, Rachel. No one likes a tease."

"Oh, I don't think that's true, Noah. I can think of several ways that teasing can be fun."

(He can hear the smile in her voice. Is she....does she mean......is she shitting him with this?)

"Fuck, Berry. I would have called earlier if I knew you were in a slutty mood tonight."

(He's waiting for her to yell at him, but Rachel just laughs. Puck takes his phone away from his ear to look at the screen and double check that he called the right number.)

"I didn't know you had a sense of humor, Rach. This is promising."

(She laughs again)

"Well, I didn't know that you were such a chatty Kathy on the phone, Noah."

(She's in a good mood. A _really_ good mood. That can only mean one thing.)

"First of all, don't ever call me that again. Second, Berry you are giggling. _Giggling_ on the phone while I make sexual jokes. Clearly you have something to tell me about how it went tonight at the home of the asshat."

(Puck _swears_ he can hear her bite her bottom lip like she always done when she's grinning and can't wait to tell him something.)

"You, Noah Puckerman, are a genius."

(He's really glad no one can see the stupid grin on his face right now. He knows he looks like a total asshole and would _never _live it down.)

"I'm serious, Noah! Having been raised in a loving, yet all-male home, it would have _never _occurred to me to play the Jewish mother card."

(Still grinning)

"Well, you know. I just thought about what my mother would do if she knew half of the shit I throw down on a regular basis."

(He realizes what he just admitted about two seconds two late.)

"Not, that I'm like a momma's boy or anything."

"Sure, Noah."

"I'm serious! Don't get that tone with me, Crazy. I mean, I'm not afraid to tell my mom....I mean, that _bitch_ to back off every now and then."

"Mmm-hmmm."

"Oh, fuck this."

**********

About 5 minutes after he hangs up on her, Puck sends Rachel a text.

"Two down. Way too many fucking people to go."

She just sends him back a smiley face.

(He _really_ hates emoticons so she actually sends him three. Just for good measure.)


	3. Mercedes

_This chapter was hard for me for several reasons, so I am super curious to hear what you guys think about how it came out. I'm trying really hard to be fair the characters-- even the ones I don't like. Hopefully that is sort of coming through._

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**_Chapter Three: Mercedes_**

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_

Puck's initial reaction when Rachel reveals the next name on her list is, "Aw, fuck. Do we have to?" He's not proud of it, but whatever, dude. (If you're gonna try to tell him that Mercedes wouldn't scare the shit out of you too, then you're a fucking liar.)

After a couple of days, though, Puck gets over it. He wasn't ever gonna punk out on Berry. Not _really_. He just wasn't sure how _visible_ he wanted his handprint to be in this whole thing. In the end, Puck just reminds himself that no baddass motherfucker was ever scared off a revenge mission by some _chick_.

(It also doesn't hurt that he spends three Glee rehearsals in a row listening to Mercedes talk about Rachel like she's not even there. Plus, he hasn't forgotten how she told him he needed to "back off" and let Quinn "choose" her baby daddy as if Quinn hadn't already made that choice when she _fucked_ him.)

He spends a couple of lunch periods tossing around ideas with Berry without much luck. Rachel refuses all of Puck's suggestions as either "racially insensitive," "borderline sexist" or both. (He still doesn't get how telling someone that the African Queen was a boat not a bitch is _either _of those things. But whatever.)

Puck dismisses all of Rachel's ideas as either "too lame to live" or "fucking boring and ineffective." (Mediation with Miss Pillsbury? Is she serious with this shit?)

Finally, one day at Glee rehearsal while listening to Mercedes and Kurt snipe at Rachel behind her back (_and _to her front), Puck is struck with inspiration.

The good news? He thinks this just might work.

The bad news? He could very well end up with his ass handed to him on a platter.

But when he pictures Rachel's wavering smile as she tries to "maintain a professional facade" (Berry-speak for _grin and take it up the ass_), Puck decides that there are worse things than getting on the bad side of bossy, loud chick. (Unless the bossy loud chick is short, brunette and wears tiny skirts that he might want to try and get a peek under someday.)

When Puck first explains his plan to Rachel, she doesn't even wait for him to finish before she says no. She doesn't think he should be _so_ involved. (He can't decide if she's worried for him or embarrassed of his participation.) But the more he explains it, the more he sucks Rachel in with the notion of a tag-team effort. And by the time she agrees to his plan, she's wearing the giant Berry grin that used to make him want to throw a slushy on her (but now creates _other_ impulses that he'd rather not analyze).

He's got a feeling that this shit is going to be fucking _awesome_.

*******

Phase one starts at the next Glee practice.

Rachel is nervous, but Noah was _so_ accurate about the best way to handle Jacob (who hasn't so much as looked her way in weeks!) that she figures she may as well trust him on this one too.

She's trying out a new solo and is very excited about performing the song for the group. Before starting, Rachel can't help but look over at Noah (who planted himself in the chair next to Mercedes the minute he walked in). He shoots her a wink (when did his winks become more relaxing than infuriating?) and Rachel notices that he has a black magic marker in one hand and an open notebook in the other.

This should be _interesting_ to say the least.

Mr. Schue gives her the go ahead and with a deep breath Rachel starts. She's about half way through the song when Mercedes starts muttering to Kurt about "white bread putting her to sleep with this nonsense." She darts a glance at Noah at precisely the same moment he raises his index finger to the sky while using his other hand to mark a line on the right half of the piece of paper on his lap.

By the end of Glee practice, everyone is looking at Puck like he's lost his mind. Rehearsal had been filled with Puck raising an arm to the sky with two fingers, then three, then four. (Rachel's a little worried he might have pulled something with the number of times he ended up lifting his arm into the air).

Noah approaches her after practice, and hands her the piece of paper (where she notes with some confusion that he has written "Berry vs Beyonce" across the top.). "Your scores are the ones on the left. She's on the right."

Rachel frowns. "Why am _I_ on here? You weren't supposed to be counting _me_."

Puck winks at her before he turns to head out of the room, "I _always_ count you, Berry."

There are 6 marks on the right side of the paper and 2 marks on the left side, and frankly she's kind of surprised. (He only found her annoying twice in the last hour? That's kind of hard to believe.) She clutches the paper in one hand and grabs her rollerbag with the other. Steeling herself, she turns around.

"Mercedes. May I have a word with you?"

***********

When Rachel asks to speak with her, Mercedes can't help but roll her eyes. Artie and Tina leave the room as quickly as possible, but Kurt quickly moves to stand next to her (though she knows perfectly well it is less about supporting her and more about having a prime seat for any good gossip).

Sticking a hand on her hip, she tries to give Rachel a patient look (though she suspects that she fails -- patience has never been her thing). "Yeah? What's up, Queen B?"

Rachel clears her throat and looks nervously between Mercedes and Kurt. Mercedes watches her fidget and smooth down the front of her (so tiny she probably had to buy it in the Tween section at Target) sweater and starts to lose that one little bit of patience she'd been trying to hold on to.

"Rachel, seriously. What's going on? Spit it out. Contrary to popular belief, the world does not revolve around your announcements. I don't have all day to sit around and stare at you."

Kurt smirks. "Besides, I think if we have to stare at that new sweater you are wearing for too long, it might burn our retinas."

Rachel's face flushes and Mercedes feels just the tiniest bit bad, though she ignores it and laughs anyway. Something seems to tighten in Rachel's face.

Flipping her hair, Rachel turns on her bossiest voice (the one that makes Mercedes want to smack her), "Kurt, will you excuse us please? I'm afraid this has nothing to do with you." and then she mutters under her breath, "_At least not yet._"

Mercedes and Kurt exchange confused looks before Kurt finally just shrugs, leans over to kiss Mercedes on the cheek, and heads out of the room.

"Ciao, darling. Call me later."

Once he's gone, Mercedes turns back to Rachel with a frown (though she must admit she's damn curious at this point).

"So -- are you going to spill? What's with all the mystery?"

*******

Rachel takes a deep breath and hands Mercedes the paper that Noah spent all of rehearsal creating.

"Here, I think you should see this."

Gazing down at the torn sheet of notebook paper, Mercedes looks more confused than anything. "And what the hell is this?"

Steeling herself for the coming explosion, Rachel tries to keep a very serious look on her face. "That is reflection of how how you treat me, Mercedes." When the other girl does nothing but roll her eyes, Rachel continues, "Look, I know you don't like me. But I would appreciate it if you could try to not be so dismissive of me all the time."

Mercedes rolls her eyes (again!), "Whatever."

Rachel stamps a foot, "See! You are being dismissive of me telling you that you are dismissive! And you know what? I am _not_ the only diva in this club! You are _just_ as much a diva as me, Mercedes, whether you want to admit it or not! And you don't have to believe me, but that's why Noah made this list. So you can see how an objective third party views your behavior. He made a note for every time you were bossy or mean in rehearsal today, and even though I didn't know he was planning to deviate from our agreed upon plan, he counted me too." Crossing her ams across her chest, Rachel tries to contain the smug look on her face, "And as you can see, you were _far_ more annoying than me today in Glee."

She's prepared for a lot of things, but the one thing Rachel is _not_ expecting is for Mercedes to start laughing. But she does laugh. _A lot_. Finally, she wipes the tears out of the corner of her eyes and shakes her head.

"Oh, _hell_ to the no. Girl, you have finally gone around the crazy corner, haven't you?"

Rachel hugs her arms a little closer to her body. "Wha...What do you mean?"

Mercedes rolls her eyes again (and Rachel fights the urge to tell her that someday her eyes might get stuck that way and then where will she be?), "Puck is your _objective third party_? Please. You _have_ lost your mind! Of course he found me more annoying. I'm not the one wearing a skirt originally made for a 12 year old that he would just _love_ to get into!"

Rachel's hands immediately go to her hips, "I am offended by that accusation! What you are suggesting is patently untrue."

"Keep telling yourself that, Broadway Barbie."

She watches in silence as Mercedes balls up Puck's list and tosses it in the trash can as she walks out the door.

*******

"She fucking said _what_?"

Puck pauses his video game and grabs his cell from where he'd been holding it against his ear with his left shoulder. He can hear Rachel sigh over the line.

"Well, the gist of what she said is that the only reason you found her more annoying than _me_ is because you want to sleep with me."

He replies without thinking, "That's the dumbest damn thing I've heard all week. Just because I wanna get in your pants doesn't mean you don't annoy the hell out of me most of the time." His comment is met with silence. He thinks back over what he just said and flinches. "Uh.... shit. I mean, well, I just mean that...."

"Yes, Noah. I think I know what you meant." Her voice comes out sad and he throws his game controller down in frustration.

"Shit, Rach. I just meant that I am _totally capable_ of being a judge of how bitchy Mercedes is or isn't. And that girl is a Grade A bitch sometimes -- mostly to _you_."

"Well, it doesn't matter what you think, Noah, because our plan was a total failure. Nothing I said made the slightest impact and apparently nothing you say will either."

He hears some shuffling on her end of the line and can't help but imagine her flopping around on that massive bed of hers as she talks to him on the phone. Puck swallows and tells himself that he absolutely _cannot_ ask her what she is wearing. Gnawing on his lower lip, he tries to come up with a Plan B but is drawing a big fat blank. (All he can think about is Rachel on her bed in a pair of teeny tiny silk PJs with her hair in pig tails -- and maybe some knee socks? And then what if Tina were to just show up in some goth girl nightie and then they got into a pillow fight? Like, a _really nasty_ pillow fight. And then maybe Brittany decides to come over with some whipped cream and....")

"Noah? _HELLO?"_

Whoops.

"Yeah, uh....sorry, Rach. Shit, I don't know. We knew this one was going to be fucking hard."

"Well, while you zoned out on me, I had a thought." She sounds hesitant and it is making him curious. "What if we _did_ find someone who could be objective?"

"Hey! I can be fucking objective! I am the damn _King_ of objectifying chicks, OK?" Rachel lets out a snort and Puck rolls his eyes. "Whatever. You know what I mean."

"Yes, I'm afraid I do." (She still sounds amused, damn it) "But we need someone that Mercedes can't just dismiss. We need someone she will _want_ to listen to."

And idea occurs to him and Puck laughs. "Well, shit. Why didn't you say that earlier?"

When they hang up with a reformed plan ten minutes later, Puck realizes neither of them ever said anything about the fact that he just admitted to wanting in Rachel's pants. Did she not notice his slip? Or did she think it was just so damn obvious it wasn't worth commenting on?

_Fuck_

*************

The reformulated Phase Two of their plan begins on Monday.

A weeks worth of Glee rehearsals pass with Rachel trying to act as normal as possible (she promised Noah she would leave her "crazy on at full blast for an honest competition"). Still though, she can't help but look around at her fellow Glee Clubbers and wonder who Puck picked to be judge and jury. It hasn't escaped her notice that their plan only works if Rachel's theory about Mercedes' behavior is accurate. What if no one else finds Mercedes rude or overbearing at times? Noah doesn't seem to think it is all in her head, but maybe he's the only one. Maybe everyone else really does think Rachel just has it coming to her.

Finally, on the next Monday morning Noah asks her to meet him in the choir room for lunch. When she walks in, Rachel finds him sitting behind the drums with a stupid grin on his face. (She can't help but grin back even though she has no idea why they are grinning. She also has no idea why he's sitting back there. He can't play.)

"Noah?"

He points a drum stick at her, "You, Rachel Berry, owe me. You owe me _huge_."

Rachel frowns, "What are you doing sitting behind the drums?" (She's not sure where that came from. It is clearly _not_ what either of them were expecting her to say.)

Noah cocks an eyebrow, "What am I doing? I am making these drums look _badass_ with my sheer presence." Shaking his head, he continues, "I mean -- have you ever noticed how goofy they look when Finn's back here?"

"They do not! Finn plays the drums quite well, Noah. He looks lovely behind them." (She's not really sure why she's bothering to argue this point.)

Noah manages to roll his eyes and frown at the same time, "Shit, Rachel. You aren't supposed to look fucking _lovely_ behind drums." Suddenly he grins, "Do me a favor, though. Be sure and tell Hudson that. I think he'll appreciate it."

Walking over to the piano bench, Rachel sets her lunch bag down before putting both hands on her hips. "This is a ridiculous conversation. Why are we even talking about this nonsense?"

The look Noah shoots her is almost _pitying_ (which is more than a little horrifying if you think about it).

"We're talking about this _nonsense_, Rachel, because you are nervous as fuck and rambling about stupid stuff instead of asking about the one thing we both know you came here to talk about."

Rachel blinks but says nothing. (When did he get so insightful? And does he know these things about everyone or just her? And did hell just freeze over? Because apparently Noah Puckerman has a better grasp on the emotional landscape of the room than she does.)

He smiles, "I put them on top of the piano."

She's confused, "Them?"

Getting up from the drum set, he lays the sticks down softly. "Yup, all five of them." Noah bends over and grabs his backpack from the floor, "I'll just leave you to your reading pleasure."

He walks out the door and Rachel turns to look at the small stack of papers sitting on top of the piano. She picks the first one up and it takes her a minute to realize what she is looking at. Once she does, she starts to gnaw at her bottom lip. She's not sure yet if she should smile or not.

******************

* * *

_**Monday**_

**Rachel "the talker" Berry **

**vs**

**Mercedes "the finger wagger".... wait. Crap. What is her last name? **

**(by Mike)**

**(And can I just say that I really hope Puck wasn't lying and that you guys **

**really are having a diva-off? Cause otherwise I wouldn't do this. **

**Seriously. Don't like yell at me or anything.)**

**Rachel: 5 points (mostly for the mean looks she gave us while we were talking and for telling Matt that the only reason he keeps singing flat is because of lack of attention during rehearsals)**

**Mercedes: 7 points (this kind of surprised me....no way did I think you could out diva Rachel! But man -- when you threatened to take Rachel to the carpet because she wanted to add harmony to the chorus? **_**Dude.**_** Whoa. And then when you told Rachel that you hated to admit that a white bread crazy face like her did such good job? Score with the backhanded compliment! Don't know how I never noticed your ability to outbitch Rachel before.)**

**

* * *

  
**

_**Tuesday**_

**Rachel vs Mercedes**

**(by Matt)**

**I agree with what Mike said. And Puck made me do it.**

**

* * *

  
**

_**Wednesday**_

**This is stupid. I don't know why I agreed to do this. What can I say? Puck can be persuasive when he wants to. He said to be honest. You want honesty? Alrighty then. Just remember you asked for it. **

**When I started to take notes today, I thought it was pointless. Everyone knows that Rachel is obnoxious and overbearing and self-absorbed. What I realized today, though, is that Mercedes is also overbearing and self-absorbed and she's even kind of mean. Frankly? It's kind of awesome sometimes. (Guess that's why I never really noticed it before). The difference is that she's just figured out how you have to leave the **_**obnoxious**_** part out of it. So there's your lesson of the week, manhands. It is ok to be rude -- just figure out how to be more charming about it.**

**

* * *

  
**

_**Thursday**_

_**Rachel:**_

**1. Implied that Kurt's voice was too feminine for the male solo in **_**Don't Stop Believing**_**= 1 point**

**2. Stomped out when Mr. Schue said there was no more money in the budget for glitter gloves= 1 point**

**3. Pushed Artie into the piano bench during choreography (again)= 2 points**

_**Grand Total: 4 points**_

_**Mercedes:**_

**1. Took credit for Rachel's idea (that she mentioned during lunch last week) about layering in Artie's voice to the chorus of the new song= 1 point**

**2. Told Santana that Rachel was the one that talked Mr. Schue into taking away her solo= 2 points**

**3. Asked Rachel if she bought her skirt from Gap for Kids= 1 point**

_**Grand Total: 4 points**_

**We are declaring this to be a tie. We are neutral.**

**Artie and Tina**

**

* * *

  
**

_**Friday**_

**None of you have ever really talked to me before, so when the hot guy with the mohawk asked me to do this, no way was I saying NO!**

**So, the way I see it -- the little guy with the perfect hair and ridiculous outfits is by FAR the most hateful member of your group. But that isn't what you really asked me. So yeah, the short, tiny girl with THE VOICE is kind of annoying with all of her drama and stomp outs and all of that. And the pretty black girl is kind of funny and everyone seems to like her -- but its weird because she's almost as hateful as the little guy. But mostly just to the tiny girl. It seems to depend on her mood. And say what you will about the drama girl with THE VOICE, but she's never mean. **

**Does that answer your question? **

**(I put my number on the back side of this. Call me!)**

**TTYL!**

**Kaylie, Member of the Jazz Band**

* * *

Puck watches Rachel walk out of the Glee room with a thoughtful smile. He sneaks up behind her, but abandons his plans to startle her when she laughs.

"You aren't as stealthy as you think, Noah."

He shrugs and starts to walk with her down the hall. "Whatever, Berry. I did that on purpose. You only know what I want you to know."

She shoots him a sly, sideways look but says nothing. Puck hates it when she pulls that shit. Fucking gives him the heebie jeebies at night. He gives a little shudder but then shakes it off. Gesturing to the papers she's holding in her hands, he asks the question he's been dying to all weekend.

"So, what are you going to do?"

Rachel smiles.

* * *

After her last class of the day, Mercedes makes one last stop at her locker. When she opens the door, a large envelope falls out. Written across the front she sees a note from Rachel (signed with a gold star, of course):

_**Mercedes, please read the enclosed ballots with an open mind. All I'm asking for is a little RESPECT. If you can't do that, well, at least maybe you'll realize that other people see it too.**_

_**Rachel Berry**_


End file.
